I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
