Umm I'm too high to move.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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