Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
