I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I supernannyed him into submission
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
