So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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