i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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