I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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