I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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