the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
