when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
