I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
