What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
