i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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