I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We left the knife in your bed.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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