just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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