I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
