And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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