I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
