Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky š
Nothing says āI spent too much in Vegasā quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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