No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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