today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
