I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
