dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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