I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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