Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
