I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
