Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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