So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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