i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize