my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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