things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
