Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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