Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
