My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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