why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
