Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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