Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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