matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
