Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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