Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
