I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
