You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
