My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
