Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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