hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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