I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
