Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
