So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
