I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
