you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
