2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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