I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Even my vagina gasped.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
