Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
