Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
