Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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