Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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