It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
